Savage Words: When it comes to cooking, I’m hit-and-miss

I’d like to think I’m a good cook.

But I dunno. Sometimes when things are put on the plate after I’ve hammered away at a meal for an hour or so, it doesn’t look appealing, it doesn’t taste appealing. It is, in fact, not appealing.

Part of the confidence boost comes from grilling. I think every person gets some assurance of their cooking skills when they grill outside. Grilling a steak out on the patio is really hard to mess up.

But sometimes that grill-driven confidence can spill over into the kitchen, which is where I – and I think millions of guys like me – bite off a bit more than we can chew.

Part of the problem for me is the Food Network. I am captured by that station all the time. You know you’re getting old when watching a cooking show captures your attention on a Monday night, and you’d rather stay on the channel instead of switching back to Monday Night Football. Happens to me all the time.

The chefs on those shows make things look so effortless. I watch a lot of different programs on that network, and each time, I’m motivated when the particular show is over.

That’s where the trouble sets in.

I fly around the kitchen, acting like I know what I’m doing, throwing spices into the air, searing this, browning that, tenderizing this, adding some zest to that.

Sounds cool, but I really don’t know what I’m doing.

Sometimes, actually, it turns out. Turns out pretty good.

But for as many times as it turns out OK, there’s also the times when I look down at the mishmash of ingredients in the bowl, and there’s lettuce and noodles swirling around together.

That can’t be good.

On the upside, I’ve got quite a cookbook library. Those, obviously, help me from time-to-time. But I consider that cheating. I shouldn’t, but I do. Actually, I should learn my lesson when it comes to cookbooks. When I use them, things work and the meal is good, cheating be damned.

Another thing I like to do is rely on the slow cooker crock pot. That’s another one that’s hard to mess up. Get up in the morning, put a BUNCH of stuff in the crock pot, put it on low for 6-8 hours, and come home to a house smelled with goodness. And MOST of the time, that works great when it comes to taste.

I guess I’m hard on myself. Compared to some of my friends, I’m Gordon Ramsey. I like to make pizzas from scratch. That’s not always the way I make them, but if I’ve got time, I like to make the dough, the sauce, and use veggies from my garden. 

At a recent get-together with some of my life-long friends, the host welcomed us to a pile of frozen pizzas. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to sound stuffy here, because I love a frozen pizza, too. 

However, the host put the pizza in the oven with the little round cardboard disc still under the pizza. Needless to say, about five minutes into it and the place filled with smoke because the cardboard caught on fire. That was worth a chuckle, and a feel-good, Ramsey moment for me. My dorky friends still ate the pizza, now likely induced with chemicals and pesticides with a lovely cardboard taste. 

But for the most part, I think I’m probably better at cooking than I really am. When my daughter was little, I used to make her an extravagant breakfast on Saturday mornings. Several Saturdays included things like waffles, pancakes, egg bakes, hash browns, avocado toast, smoked salmon bagels, cinnamon rolls. You get the idea.

She was a good sport, for the most part.

One Saturday morning, however, after I had a breakfast spread that would make Julia Child blush, she’d seen enough, and just asked for a simple bowl of cereal.

I was happy to oblige.

“Dad,” she said exasperated. “You put too much milk in the bowl.”

Like I said, I think I’m better at it than I am.

“Just wait for tonight’s pizza,” I told her.