Jill's Journal: How do you know when to tune your bagpipes?

For 20 years, I’ve been typing up the daily Brandon Police report. Over that time, as one would imagine, I’ve typed up hundreds of accident reports, public assists, security checks, assist Sheriff’s office, medical emergencies, disorderly subjects, suspicious subject and vehicle reports, juvenile delinquencies, DUI’s, and so on.

Today, as I typed “hit-and-run accident …”, I posed a question to my staff: “Is it really an accident if it’s a hit-and-run?”

I received a few shoulder shrugs.

This silly, useless question is one that I’ve been asking myself each and every time over the last two decades that I’ve plunked those words out on the keyboard. OK, while it may have been an “accident,” let’s face it, the hit-and-run part of the incident quite honestly is intentional. Otherwise, the guilty party would report it themselves or perhaps someone who witnessed the “accident” calls it in, and the “guilty party” doesn’t drive off like a thief in the night.

Quite honestly, this largely useless question got me to thinking – and Googling – other pieces of nonsensical questions, like, for instance, can you cry under water?

Well, I suppose you can, but bonus, no tissues will be required, and if your eyes happen to be a bit red, you can always blame it on the water.

Here’s another to ponder: “How come we choose from just two people for President of the United States and 50 women for Miss America?”

Or, “Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?”

And then there’s, “Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, what’s the course of treatment?”

They’re all legitimate questions, silly, yet legitimate.

This one made me smile and think specifically of one guy in Brandon: “How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?” I’ll let Councilman Dave Kull chime in on that one.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? I’ll leave that one up to all the great proofreaders out there.

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing? Perhaps it has some connection to the size of the person saying “fat chance” or “slim chance. Or, maybe not.

“Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites? I imagine every ‘wise woman’ out there can answer that one.

“Why do you press harder on the button of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?” I reckon we’re all hoping there’s a little “juice” left in the battery, and if we’re, honest, we’ve all done it. More than once.

“How come when you call a wrong number, it seems someone is always home?” There’s two probable answers to this one. First, we’re probably dialing up a cell phone number these days, and mistakenly hit the wrong contact. And two, in a community like Brandon or Valley Springs, you can be assured of having a good laugh over the misdial, followed by a 10-minute or so conversation to catch up, like the unintended call I just answered from one of my favorite people, Ann Beesley.

When I answered, “Brandon Valley Journal, this is Jill,” I was greeted with a long, drawn out Ann Beesley laugh that’s so infectious you find yourself laughing before you even know what you’re laughing about. (Now, that should make you giggle.) 

“Oh, you’re not the number I dial to listen to my messages?” she asked.

Nope, we’re sure not. But hey, I’m always up for a good chat – and a good laugh – no matter which order they may happen to come in.